Part I. Before adoption: Will it work for me?

  Unit 2. Making a decision to adopt internationally


The process of making an adoption decision does depend, in part, upon your personality and personal style as an individual; and if you are married, as a couple. It is helpful to reflect on how you have made other major life decisions--to remain single, to get married, change careers, purchase a home, and/or make a major move. Some folks lead with their heads and keep their emotions at bay until they have sorted out the pros and cons; others plunge in emotionally and logic be damned. Adoption is a process that requires both your head and your heart.

Here's what experienced successful adoptive parents wrote us, answering the question: "What are the most critical qualities you must have for adopting an older institutionalized child from a foreign country?"

Preparedness: Clear understanding of what you are getting into and why you are adopting.

Commitment to the child: You have to be willing and capable of loving a needy and difficult child unconditionally. You have to be willing to let go of the day before and open your heart again the next day and reach out to your child. You also have to be able to love without fully liking your child. Meaning, you need to show love and compassion, even though you don't like your child's behaviors.

Patience: You must prepare emotionally for the fact that your adopted child will take longer to express/display affection to the parents, much longer that one hopes/fantasizes. You need to understand that your child will do very well and then regress, and it is not all black and white. Nothing is fully spelled out for you.

Ability to create a support system: You must have some support people whom you can contact to talk about frustrations and fears. In the beginning stages of getting the child settled in the US it's very easy to the parents to feel they have made a mistake -- or this child is not for them.

Perseverance: You need to have faith, passion and determination to succeed (stubbornness) and belief that you will (optimism).

Advocacy: Unwillingness to settle for basic answers, investigatory skills to ferret out non-traditional solutions to complex problems (thinking "out of the box"). Do research, have independent evaluations done, and then insist that your child get what he/she needs.

The want and will to parent: Some single mothers look into adoption as a way to fill a void in their lives and they treat their newly adopted child (usually a daughter) as a companion. They tend to treat the child as their equal, their sidekick, rather than their child. This can be detrimental to the one who has not experienced a true parental bond or does not understand parental authority. You need to develop a parent/child relationship with this child.

Stamina: You can't be a very laid back parent, who discovers undesirable behavioral characteristics in the child, but doesn't address them. Such parents accept that the child has undesirable behaviors, but aren't willing to do what it takes in the home to address them. It is the parents' job to help the children overcome their issues and to develop their child's character so they feel their child will be able to function in the society of their family first and then in public society. Many parents complain about the child's issues, go to weekly therapy sessions, etc...but all the therapy in the world will not change the child's behaviors unless the parents do something to make consistent changes in the child's home and environment.

Self respect: The understanding that what we can do and are doing is amazing no matter how inadequate or frustrated we feel at the moment.

Sense of humor and a little money don't hurt.

How do you score on these ten questions?

Identify what more you need to know to make your decision, determine what additional information you can realistically obtain and prepare to anticipate and accommodate the unknowns into your decision.