Part III. Parental skills:
Updating your parental techniques and reaching out for help

  Unit 6. Parental survival skills

There is a difference between an intellectual understanding of the impact of your child's history on their growth, development, emotions and behavior and an actual emotional acceptance. It is important to make sure that what you are told, what you read and what you learn about international adoption and the impact of and reasons for institutionalization are not simply an academic exercise where you hear it and decide that it does not or will not apply to you and your adoption. The information is not simply anecdotal and designed to alarm you; it is the result of experience and research.

Probably the most dangerous "affliction" you can suffer from when adopting an older child is unrealistic expectations. It sets you and your child up for disappointment and it prevents you from becoming an effective, confident and competent parent to your special needs child. Let's start with that as an expectation. Yes, your child is special needs. Most associate the concept of special needs with a physical or medical condition. An older child is considered special needs because they come to you with histories of abuse, trauma, neglect, deprivation and loss. They come to you with personal histories and influences of which you have had no part of. Many people hope to find the "perfect" older child adoption scenario; maybe the child who grew up with her birthmother until age 8 when mother tragically died and left her an orphan. You think, "Here is a child that experienced her mother's love. Yes, she will grieve but she has had that opportunity to attach and lived her early years in a stable home environment." Take care not to create your own fantasy about your child's history. There is usually a great deal more than meets the eye as in this case example:

The case of Nadya

Nadia is ten years old and in an orphanage in Russia. She is described as an excellent student with a special talent for art. She recently won a local art contest. She was born to a single mother and her father's identity and whereabouts are unknown. After the death of her mother, her aunt took her in but could not afford to support her and was forced to place her in the orphanage. Her caretakers say Nadia longs to be a part of a family and wants to have a mother again. Nadia is adopted by a young family with a 5 year old son. They are touched by her story and the mother is an artist and excited about sharing Nadia's interest.

Two years post placement, Nadia is still unable to attach to her family. She is constantly oppositional, defies even the most simple rules, rejects all attempts to be close and refuses to accept them as her family. She is an excellent student and a model of cooperation at school. Therapy reveals a history of severe emotional abuse and deprivation. Mother was a prostitute and locked Nadia out of the house during the day and forced her to beg on the streets for food. At night while her mother worked, Nadia was locked in a closet. She suffers from acute Post-traumatic stress disorder, significant attachment issues and can't accept adults (her parents) as a resource. With intensive therapy and committed efforts by her adoptive parents, Nadia made slow but steady progress in recovering and beginning to trust her parents. They face a challenging and difficult journey together as a family.

Developmental delays are almost a guarantee. Your child's development includes the areas of growth--physical, cognitive, emotional, and social. These areas are all interrelated. Although many children are able "catch up" in some if not most areas of development, there are no guarantees. Also while they are "catching up" you will need to parent them at their developmental level and focus less on their chronological age. When your eleven year old is face down on the floor in a full blown tantrum over no Barbie doll at the grocery store, you will, at least momentarily, think "you are too old for this!" It's true, if their circumstances and history were different, they might be too old for such behavior but you still have to parent them where they are developmentally and help them develop those skills for regulating emotions, delaying gratification and accepting limits. You will be guiding and navigating them through developmental stages that they have missed. It is a big job. It is possible only if you expect and accept that they are not going to come in a package marked, "Eleven years old and acts like it, too."