Managing your child's behavior

An article by Bonnie Foshee Parenting the Strong-Willed Child and Keeping the Upper Hand published in our previous newsletter #81 has definitely struck the nerve of many frustrated by their adoptive child's behavior parents. No wonder: post-orphanage behavior, typical child's desire to control the situation, lack of experience on the parent's side, the consequences of various daily stresses, the lack of understanding of each other's language and culture are just a few triggers of family battles that are present and greatly amplified for the families with the internationally adopted children. The article received high marks (4.8 out of 5 - average) from some readers and strong disapproval from the others. Here are some messages we received right after its publication:

I am really upset about the discussion (or lack thereof ) about spanking. There are many know harmful effects of spanking to the spirit and most of all to the relationship between parent and child. And I can't emphasize enough the negative impact of spanking on a child adopted from elsewhere who is older than an infant, and spent time in a possibly abusive setting before coming here. Please, reconsider those articles you print (and seem to support) that form of so-called discipline or punishment. Think of the cartoon of the father spanking his son with a hairbrush, while intoning, "this will teach you to hit someone smaller than yourself"; let alone, "this hurts me more than it hurts you". I have recommended your site to my clients, and am having second thoughts now. Hope you give this topic another look.
Sincerely,
Elaine Frank, LCSW
Co-Director, After Adoption

As a professional working for a private, nonprofit international adoption agency I was a little taken aback by some of the statements in Bonnie Foshee's article regarding the "benefits" of spanking. While indeed, it is a disciplinary practice that many families continue to use, there are not many adoption professionals who would advocate the use of such a model in disciplining children. In fact, home study reports of adoptive parents must address the issue of discipline and document that the family will not use physical methods of discipline in raising their child.
Thanks for the opportunity to comment.
Nancy R. Thompson

We see our goal in publishing articles about children and parenting in challenging minds and sharing experiences of parents and professionals in search of the right way to approach issues - not in dispensing ready-made advice which would never be adequate for each and every situation.

Bringing up an orphanage child is no simple task; and, given a terrible statistic of a dozen of children being killed by their adoptive parents in the US (significantly more than in any other adoptive country - why is that?), it is very important that current and potential parents would really think hard on their own and be honest in estimating their abilities of parenting an orphanage child.

Thus, we do not necessarily agree or disagree with the authors of published articles: we choose them for the ability to give readers the impulse to think, to argue, to consider their own positions and come to their conclusions. Below are several articles from our database with different approaches to the same issue-managing your child's behavior.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Managing Child Behaviour
In the course of normal childhood behaviour and misdeeds, while there is nothing necessarily wrong with helping a child to understand simple motivations and rules through discussion, don’t be mistaken that this alone will deter misdeeds. Further, seeking understanding alone may actually precipitate a cascade of more troublesome behaviour as shown above. To really manage your child’s behaviour, hold your child accountable to reasonable expectations and provide a consequence. The consequence may be as simple as your clearly voiced disapproval, a brief loss of privilege or time away from a preferred activity. Think of being caught for speeding. The officer may discuss with you the wrong of your offense, but will surely still give you the ticket. It’s a short discussion. Lesson learned, now on your way.

Dr. Noel Swanson
Consistency is the key to eliminate child behavior problems
If parents want to achieve success in child discipline, they must inculcate the virtue of consistency. It is the most important thing especially for parents that have issues regarding child discipline. It is true that it is not easy to remain consistent all the time. After all, you are human beings with normal human failings. And, children can be absolutely exasperating at times. So, you can only aim at achieving consistency, but it is worth making all the effort because it has good effect on your children and you can teach them the basic norms of good behavior with good results.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Out of Control and Pseudomature Teens
Until the parents hold their teen accountable to reasonable parental expectations, change is unlikely. However, parents feel like they are held hostage. As the teen protests against newly imposed expectations, in the face of prior freedom, they at best complain and at worse fight back. Their protesting behaviour can be verbal and even physical. They will try to argue, guilt their parents, threaten their property or person and threaten to run away. In the face of the teen’s escalation, many parents again acquiesce and the teen says, “I’ve got ‘em”. And they do.

Kelly Nault
Parenting an Angry Kid: The Secret to Getting the Respect You Deserve
(The answer to a parent's question: The challenge we have is with our 12 year old. When corrected she will argue her point of view until the bitter end. Our point is never taken into account and it usually ends in a long drawn out yelling match. If you don't agree with her point of view, she doesn't feel heard nor understood and then becomes defensive and does not even listen to our side. We say black, she says white. My parenting question is how can we prevent family yelling matches and resolve issues with control and authority?)