Newsletter #172 for Internationally Adopting Parents
February 5, 2015
PAL Center Inc.

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Stealing and Lying in Adopted Children

Stealing and lying are the big problems for many adoptive families who look for the right ways to deal with these anti-social acts of their children. It seems that post-orphanage behavior may be a partial explanation for some of their kids' problems, but where from can such behavior originate in young adoptees who came into families early on? Possibly from their nervous system deficiencies that cause an overall poor cognitive control, impulsivity, low self esteem, deeply ingrained habits of avoiding, pretending and covering up everything what's going on with them.
But stealing is stealing; it is reprehensible and needs correction.
So what should families do to turn things around? This difficult question is the focal point of the latest article by our counselor Jeltje Simons who provides a realistic, hands-on, multi-faceted methodology of stealing/lying behavior modification in troubled kids of different ages.

Do you have a story of your own to share? Did you come up with other working methods that might help the families in trouble? You are welcome to send us your thoughts and suggestions.
Administration (admin@bgcenterschool.org)

Jeltje Simons
The Money Is In The Drawer, Or Is It? Thoughts About Stealing

We all know what the ultimate consequence is when people take things which do not belong to them. This is on the back of my mind when I get a call from my child's teacher who found a banknote in his pocket, or when I dig out his pockets and toys I have never seen roll out. When I doubt myself if biscuits I had purchased yesterday are missing. Is it conscious stealing, or just an act of a toddler inside the delayed child, or the effects of neglect? One thing is sure: it is a bit of everything, but there is a problem if your money goes missing, regardless of the reason.

It appears that the hands of my child are "not connected" to his brain at times. There are some coins laying on the kitchen table and before I am even fully aware, those are in his pocket. That quick! I just witness the proof that I had a good night sleep, otherwise I would not even have time to notice!

How does the world react on young kids who have some 'cute factor' and steal? The world does not help much: I send the boy back with the candy bar that he took and then I get very annoyed when the cashier says: 'It does not matter'. Maybe she says this because she thinks I feel bad about it, maybe because he gives the impression of a really young child. But she gives the wrong message and it does matter. The message for the child who steals should not be a downplay or excuse. It is a serious problem that needs attention.

It starts like this: your newly adopted child has just come home, and most days are challenging as that is how most older child's adoptions begin. It is actually a huge shock to the household to make a child who is biologically not your own a member of your family. Older children who have lived in institutions, who do not know what a family is, those children do not know how to behave in this family; all they know are the behaviours that served them well in the orphanage.

Most children are super sweet until you want them to do something on your terms. If you read about this before adopting, you might think: "Great if that is the only problem my future child has, I can live with that, how difficult can it be? Those post-orphanage behaviours are learned behaviours, so with loads of love and a bit of structure this will surely not going to be a huge problem." The reality is that in most children adopted at an older age those behaviours are deeply ingrained. I feel passionate about older child adoptions, those children deserve to be adopted. But post-orphanage behaviours are serious and real, the chances that your new child will disappoint you and will be stealing and lying are very realistic. And the chance that this is 'just a phase' is small. These are survival and learned behaviours, and with the right interventions the child can overcome his feelings of entitlement, but very rarely these are quick fixes. The neglect those children have suffered was also not caused in a day, these were years of neglect and the effects are not magically going 'away' because the child is adopted now. Changing them can take years. Some behaviours become personal characteristics and may always stay with the child. Their neediness, their longing for attention, their trauma can last a lifetime; the task might change over the years from changing the child to teaching the child to live with their limitations.

Your first notice that things go wrong

In my case I was sort of sure I had a 100 in my wallet, but I was doubting myself, I was stressed, had just adopted a new child, so I blamed my own mindset for this confusion. It took a week or 2 before I found 86 or so outside under the trash container. Now I began to realize that this was the work of the new inhabitant. The first cracks appeared in my attitude to always believe you little boy, to always trust you dear child.

Read the entire article

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