Newsletter #30 for Internationally Adopting Parents
September 10, 2006
PAL Center Inc.

In this issue


There is no substitute
for preparation to adoption of
an older child from abroad.
There will be difficulties - guaranteed.
Think how you can approach
expected issues well in advance.

New online comprehensive
JSBG2 - Adopting older children internationally:
making a decision and coping with post-adoption difficulties


Jody Sciortino, LCSW
Boris Gindis, Ph.D.

Price $39.99
20 contact hours

A free evaluation is available for adoption agencies
until September 30.
Call BGCenter Online School administrator
at 845-357-2512
for username/password
to evaluate this course.

BGCenter accepts files and videos
for an early stage screening
of your perspective child.
Due to their size, such files often can't be
transmitted via e-mail or
delivered quickly via regular mail
(ex.: while you are abroad).

Call the center for instructions
on uploading your files for a psychological screening.

You receive this newsletter as a former client or correspondent of the Center for Cognitive-Developmental Assessment & Remediation, or a former student of the BGCenter Online School, or a user of the International Adoption Articles Directory.


Latest Articles
from the

International Adoption Articles Directory

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Save your money and get on the floor
Parents whose quality time consists mainly of buying their children things are at risk of building their relationship on the basis of purchases and are at risk of developing a sense of entitlement in their children. In time, their children do not want to spend time with a parent if that parent isn't spending money on them. Given the rise of this situation, the parents then begrudge the relationship with their children and feel they are being taken advantage of. Sadly though, this is how some children have been trained to relate to their parents.

From Our Database

Quality Time With The Child

In the selection of articles that follow
we continue the discussion of what the qualify time is, how to achieve it and, most important, what difference it can make in your child's life.

Deanna Mascle
Do you show your love to your child?
Kids are all about show. As a parent you know this. We have to demonstrate and lead our children by the hand through every lesson--both big and small. So why do we so often think it is enough to simply tell our children that we love them? It isn't enough. Love is the biggest show-and-tell of them all and you need to make it a part of your every day life.

Bailey Micale
Being there for your family
In today's fast paced life most families do not get quality time together. Almost the whole day goes into work, school, church, and other activities. Members of the family rarely get an opportunity to interact with one another. However, this can be rectified if you restructure your life.

Boris Gindis, Ph.D.
Activities to promote healthy development
These activities are entertaining for a whole family and promote cognitive abilities of a newly adopted child. They also set the stage for developing mutual attachment in the family through shared fun and play.

Bryan Post, Ph.D., LCSW
How to overcome your child's lying: three step lying solution
Spend 20 minutes of uninterrupted time with your son every evening, allowing him to talk about anything he would like. Turn off the television and put down the newspaper, just listen to what he’s talking about.

Questions and Answers
Q. During our hosting things went reasonably well as the child expressed both in word and to some degree action a connection to us and a desire to come back to us but at the end -in the airport- upon seeing other children from the program, the child suddenly began treating us as worse than irrelevant. We are now concerned that this child may have seen this trip as no more than an adventure.
I must point out that this event had happened before at the end of the previous hosting. The adoption agency reported to us the that child expressed regret as to how she treated us during that previous event leaving us even more sad and confused by this repeat performance.

A. You have described a fairly typical situation: many parents report that their hosted children were not particularly interested in them the moment they met their friends at the airport. Later these children would send all kind of messages from the orphanage saying that they do want to be adopted by their hosting families, but joining other kids at the time of their departure, they may behave very differently.

There are dozens of "logical" (from the orphanage child perspective) explanations of their behavior, but I have to point out once again that there is absolutely no way to tell, judging by the behavior at the airport, if the child will or will not be capable of attaching to the adoptive family. It's not possible to predict attachment issues even during the initial adjustment period after the adoption. Attachment is a process of creating the relationship between several people, it's not given to an adoptive parent by default, and it's not "granted" to a parent-to-be as a token of gratitude from the child (do not expect any gratitude from adoptees, at least not until adulthood, if at all). Figuratively speaking, attachment is a "two-way street" with no agreed upon rules.

Can anything at all be done to evaluate the risks of poor attachment in the international adoption? Yes, certain things can be done.

First of all, evaluate your motives, your feelings, your expectations. Are you up to a difficult task of bringing up a child with trauma and orphanage in the past? Can you rise above personal hurts and frustration (there will be plenty of that)? Can you love and give time and attention to a child who may be difficult to love and may take years to change? The child would not understand the language in the beginning, but our attitudes are perfectly transferable without any language, and the attitudes are the most effective instructors in our lives. These attitudes will affect the attachment more than anything else.

On the other side - child's side - the most predictive sign of future attachment issues is the previous history of the child: an exposure to trauma, a lack of any attachment figure in the child's life and the presence of certain patterns of the child's behavior in the orphanage. The more pronounced these issues are, the more chances are there for the child to experience difficulties with attachment. But remember, all things considered, these are chances - not necessarily guaranteed problems. International adoption is very much about taking chances.

The honest and detailed answer to those sometime uncomfortable questions may be the only reasonable and reliable answer you can get in response to your concerns. For more info and opinions please see the Newsletter #29: Attaching to my child and other attachment related articles on our sites.
Boris Gindis, Ph.D.


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